Rethinking How We Plan A First Date

Hinge's love and connection expert Moe Ari Brown weighs in on dating and whimsy

Allow me to set the scene for you here. It’s a Friday night, and you’re on a first date. You’re sitting across from them at a restaurant, asking your typical first-date questions: “Where are you from? How many siblings do you have? What’s your job like?” You and your date are both polite, friendly, and laugh a lot. On your way home you think to yourself, that was fun, but I’m not sure if I felt that spark. Chances are, your date didn’t feel it either. Time goes by and you never talk to each other again.

Let’s go over another scenario. It’s approaching the weekend. You’ve been talking to this person online for a few days now. You’d love to meet with them in real life and keep the momentum going, but you don’t want to be the one to initiate it. You can’t tell if it’s the right time. Eventually, the conversation fizzles out. It simply dies because there is nothing more for two strangers who’ve never met in person to talk about. You move onto the next.

These are the stories of most Gen Z daters currently. Dating has become a chore. It’s become one big long interview where you feel like you have to put your best foot forward — really impress the person you’re interested in. Unfortunately for you, none of your connections ever really seem to be a huge hit.

There is a simple problem here. People simply aren’t getting to know each other well enough. The dates aren’t interesting enough. The conversations aren’t illuminating and mind-catching. Your dating profile just doesn’t properly reflect who you are as a person.

Fortunately, to a very simple problem, there is a very simple solution; we all just need to add a little more whimsy to our dating lives.

How do we execute this? We got Hinge Love and Connection Expert and Ted Talk Public Speaker, Moe Ari Brown, to weigh in on this issue!

Dinner dates are the standard first-date. The benefit is that they are in a safe and public location… annndddd that’s it. There’s no other real reason we default to this besides that dinner is a universally expected first date. On this topic, Moe Ari Brown says “Sometimes our comfort zone is just what we’re used to and familiar with, but it’s not where we’re the most authentic or the most in our own skin or in our own identity.”

Perhaps we should all consider spicing things up a bit. Brown also weighed in on this issue and said “I believe that every relationship creates its own chemistry, so with each new person, each of you are bringing your own interests. So when you go to plan a date, ideally, it would be a date that reflects the we that you could become. Like, what do we actually want, not what do we think we should be doing.”

Of course, sometimes it’s difficult to steer people away from their default comfort zone and what they believe (or others widely believe) should be expected. How do you suggest a more creative first date without scaring off the other person? Moe Ari Brown had an answer to this too.

He says, “Well, I love the new date ideas feature on Hinge, and it released pretty recently, actually. The reason why it’s so amazing is because you can put a few activities on your profile — a dropdown menu that pops up on your profile of date options and availability. For example, you could put that you’re available this weekend, next week, etc. It’s a good conversation starter and they can leave a comment, but mainly they have now said, I’d love to go on this kind of date. It helps release some of the friction.”

76% of Hinge daters said that they’d had a conversation fizzle out because they didn’t know the right moment to move into planning a date with the other person. That’s a huge number, and really shows the need for a feature like this. After implementing the feature, 54% of users said it made them feel more confident in asking someone out.

Brown also suggests that Hinge users should really take the time to fully answer their prompts and fill out their profiles completely. He says, “a lot of people tend to fill out one word or a brief response, but the goal with your profile is to take up space. Don’t shrink. Let your light fully shine. Allow people who are seeing your profile to really get a glimpse into your personality. Most of the time we are on dates wondering, do they really see me? Often times, the other person is wondering the exact same thing.”

He suggests that pictures will get our foot in the door, but actually revealing who you are will help other people with similar interest gravitate towards you more easily and will help to spark a more meaningful connection.

So now we’re moving out of the conversation and finally going on a real date. But where? Dinner dates are becoming more and more interview style. What are some other date ideas where we can really get to know someone as their natural selves?

Hinge has some preset date ideas within the app, such as drinks, coffee or tea, dinner, a walk, dessert, a movie, live music, mini golf, trivia night, a picnic, museum, karaoke, bowling, arcade, thrifting, etc.

Brown weighs in, “My idea of a relaxed fun date might be going to a cafe, but not a regular coffee date just because we’re at a cafe. We’re going to bring a card game. It could be a conversation card game, or if you play spades, or any other card games. I think it breaks the ice a lot and allows you to create some core memories because you’ll be laughing, you’ll be playing, and it leaves an imprint on you psychologically and emotionally where you’ll remember it.”

Other date ideas Brown suggests are as follows:

• Grabbing dessert and trying to guess each other’s favorite things, favorite color, first car, what music you listened to in high school

• Arcade date, make it competitive, whoever wins the most tickets gets a prize figured out amongst each other

• Picnic in the park and making a shared playlist/exchanging music

These dates follow our theme of whimsy in a way where they all have a similar feel — they ‘re lighthearted, cute, and also fun. They can actually make you feel something. The most important part of dating and embracing whimsy in general (often times, the two go hand in hand), is by feeling something — feeling joy — having fun.

We’ve noticed a lot of daters that tend to have issues truly getting to know someone at their core, but not wanting to dive into deep conversations right away. This can be a potential barrier, making you feel like you’re not actually getting to know someone/not striking up the right conversation with them. Moe Ari Brown suggests that the best fix for this issue is to completely embrace whimsy and authenticity and let it shine through so the other person feels comfortable enough to let their guard down and be present in a safe space with you.

Asking the right questions is also important too. Brown says that, as a therapist, he often asks questions that are independent of other people. What this looks like in the dating scene, for example, would be “what kind of music are you singing in the shower.” He says that it’s a different framing than asking someone what’s on their playlist, and opens the space for them to provide a deeper and more personal answer. Other questions Brown suggests to ask on a first date are, “If nobody’s opinion mattered, what kind of job would you have?” or “If money wasn’t an object, what kind of vacations are your ideal vacations?”.

These types of questions really tug at and reveal who the person really is. Moe Ari Brown says that asking the one right question could stem into hours of effortless conversation, and that people should prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to questions.

“Sometimes we’re trying to make sure that we’re deep or that we’re doing a good job on the date, but the one quality question can lead to a lot of conversation. If we prioritize those questions that take us a little further, a little deeper, or if we bring a conversation card game to the date — we’re already creating the space for whimsy, for joy, and for the other fun aspects of ourselves to show up,” he says.

This is all really good advice for current daters. We don’t have to be in “the trenches of dating”. Dating can actually be a wonderful and reflective experience if you really choose to embrace the whimsy of it. Instead of thinking of it as a repetitive chore (constant first dinner dates that never work out), think of it as an experience to meet and get to know different people in different settings in all the different ways you possibly can.

Let loose, find a more creative setting, ask more meaningful questions, and fully embrace your dating whimsy!